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I Don't Wanna

No,no,no. I don't wanna do that anymore. I don't wanna be that any more. I just know, I just know I can be better and do better.

Feef, what are you talking about?

Bear with me. I'm just going to write bullet points to sort out my thinking.

  1. I don't wanna judge people. I admit it. I can't figure out why some people won't do stuff I think isn't that big a deal. Or why some people like and almost worship public figures I don't trust. But does it matter if I agree all of the time? Do I need to only be with people who share my opinions? It is easier, and comforting, but it is possible that if we were to go into any issue deeply, we would find something we didn't see eye to eye on, even with those with whom we agree. Sure, I want and need to stay safe. I have to. I'll play by the rules, and if I love someone who doesn't or won't, I will have to think about it only because I don't want to spread disease to some innocent. I have to ease up, though, and not get mad at what I don't understand. Loosen up and listen. Maybe some understanding will come to me.

  2. I don't wanna feel lonely, abandoned, and homesick. Sure, we can't get back to Scotland. It isn't anyone's fault. It sucks. Also sucking hard is the fact that the phone never rings anymore except for robo calls and fundraising efforts. If I didn't have FB would I have any friends? Days go by and we don't hang. I am not going to take this personally. I am going to double my efforts to reach out to people I care about without any expectation as to how they will respond. Change will come. And I will find new pals. I just miss the friends who have left Los Angeles, and it makes me wonder if I should be here. Is this city the "Let's do Lunch and It never Happens" capitol? I will just invite away, call away. I will expect new friendships in 2022.

  3. Making music in COVID times can be tough. I have many friends who are musicians. I don't know if they make any money at what they do. It is a slog. I do not and never have felt competitive with anyone. I am my own. But it can feel sometimes as though all of us are goldfish swimming in a very small bowl, each trying to rise to the surface to suck in the small crumbs. I don't want to rail against "the industry." I want to keep expanding. I want to make sure I listen to my friends' music. It DOES matter. If I don't listen, if I don't show up to venues, how can I be a part of any music scene. So I say to myelf, "Feef! Don't give up." DO NOT. It is time to give back, as well as continue the crusade to keep on making music, and making opportunities so that other people can make music. If I need to make more money, I will find a way. But this making music and telling stories is important. I can only get better, Now is not the time to hang up the guitar, or close the Pro tools. Let's expand. Let's do more, gently. And let's bring people together. Safely.

  4. I don't wanna feel self-pity, self-righteousness, self-disgust. This is who I am in 2021. Edging toward 2022. I suck. i am not good. I make mistakes. I fumble. But I am working on all of these things. And I will end with my current favourite meme: BEAR WITH ME.

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